Adversities from early years
encapsulated an ocean of tears
I have been driven to dive deep
somehow knowing I was asleep
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Detaching from life with pretense and starvation
unconsciously believing it would lead to liberation
- numbing myself with what I could find
to pause the endless chatter in my mind
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My struggles to escape entangled me more
not even feeling I was bleeding from my core
- frozen and locked in confusion and doubt
desperately searching for a way out
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Presented by the miracle of giving birth
granted years of joy and self worth
Keeping me busy for a time
to nurture my kids in their prime
But a disturbing sensation of missing the essential
descended as mist over the unfolding potential
- the option of giving myself away
seemed like a very high price to pay
Until my world cracked open and I could see
myself inside the gras and the humming bee
Captivated by the peace and the love that I felt
something inside me got a signal to melt
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Many years followed in hopelessness and frustration
not able to again reach this state of elation
Oscillating between worlds with different laws
I struggled to find the true and single cause
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Nothing in the world could make me thrive
I felt like dying while being alive
The desire to have no desire
was burning like fire
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No energy left to manipulate and pretend
no energy left to assert and defend
No energy left to resist
no energy left to persist
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So tired of being at war
literally lead to not caring anymore
Defeated, exhausted and willing
created a space for refilling
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Silence embraced me in its emptiness
gone were concerns in this whispering yes
Peace infusing the core of my being
too tired to own the seeing
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This is what I came here for,
silently being washed to the shore
Leaving everything behind to have it all
embedded in rising up was the unbearable crawl
Dropping away day by day
the subtle leftovers not allowed to stay
- no longer tightly bound
in the realization that nothing has been lost and nothing is found
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d i s s o l v i n g
I have made the easiest thing become the most difficult.
Resistance to what naturally wants to unfold has caused immense suffering. The need to understand and be on top of everything has drained the will to survive for the price I constantly had to pay.
The intense focus applied in any endeavour throughout my life kept me going, searching, running, hiding, neglecting, sorting, categorizing and comparing until they one by one silently dropped away.
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Interests disappeared. The wish to attain disappeared. The desire to know disappeared. The urge to make sense disappeared.
The losses ended in a standstill. The label 'boredom' arose, but the energy to sustain the label was also gone.
I do not know what is happening
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I do not know if there is an end to this
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All my questions have been answered
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as 'no answer' is the peace looked for
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I have come to see that every character
is subject to its own unique territory. A unique script encompassing unique looks, interests, qualities and capabilities.
Below is a summary of what has been realized through years of questioning reality